Now, before any of your completely-devoid-of-independent-thought-fans come running to your defense, let me make one thing clear: I "get it". I've watched all of and actually own most of your movies (yes, even "Four Rooms", Quentin, you dipshit). When I heard that the two of you were teaming up to recreate the bla/e-xploitation movie genre, I almost creamed my shorts in anticipation. I thought, "If anyone can give tribute to shitty 70's movies, it's either one of these two guys. This is BOTH of them, that's one more, innit?".
Boy, was I wrong.
Here's the thing: I didn't think you were going to COMPLETELY recreate the genre, even the stupid, tedious, boring parts. I thought: "Here are two guys who have impressed me in the past wih their ability to make smart, genre-bending movies. I'm quite sure they are going to pay tribute to this genre by making movies that have the scent of the originals but are instead well-written and directed".
Ha.
Robert, I'll start with you. Here's what was going through my mind while enduring "Planet Terror":
"Damn, Rose McGowan is hot... That's it, this sucks, I'm leaving - no wait, I have to give Quentin his shot, he can't possibly make a movie this bad... Damn, Rose McGowan is SMOKING hot... Fuck it, I don't care how good Quentin's movie is, I'm getting dumber by watching this... Oh look, Rose McGowan's ass, that's pretty... I'm outta here - no, wait, I'm not leaving - I paid $10.50 for this stupid movie... Was that Rose McGowan's nipple?".
Dude, if you took your dick out of Rose McGowan long enough to watch the dailies while you were filming this thing, I have to believe you would have realized that it sucked. I love zombie movies considerably more than the next guy, and this one sucked balls. God dammit, it could have been so good. It SHOULD have been so good. Hell Rob, I even liked Spy Kids (both I and II, but don't talk to me about 3D), I would be willing to concede that Desperado was possibly the greatest movie ever made, but godDAMN man. Talk about potential down the toilet. You should have made the entire movie about nothing but Rose McGowan GoGo dancing. That would have at least held my interest throughout.
And, Quentin. Quentin, Quentin, Quentin. That scene in the diner was very well-shot; one long rotating camera shot like the ones you've perfected in movies like Reservoir Dogs ("Let me tell you about 'Like a Virgin'...") and must have been tricky to block, but here's the thing: if I was sitting at a table full of hot girls like that and they were dragging out that assinine story about falling into a ditch, I'd start looking at my watch. I'd think: "these girls may be hot, but they are boring the crap out of me and I wouldn't fuck any of them in case I accidentally got one of them pregnant and created a child that would one day grow up and bore THE WORLD TO DEATH", and I'd start thinking of excuses to get the fuck out of Dodge. See what I did there? In that little scenario, I had a chance to fuck either Zoe Bell, Rosario Dawson, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, or Tracie Thoms, or maybe some sexy combination of any number of the four of them, but I walked away because your dialog made them FUCKING BORE ME. Imagine how your audience felt after watching them on screen for (what felt like) 2 hours talking about falling in a fucking ditch. And as far as your completely overrated car chase scene goes, here's a thought for your heroines: ever seen Top Gun where Tom Cruise puts on the FUCKING BRAKES AND THE BAD GUYS FLY RIGHT BY? Jesus, I realize it's an exploitation movie and we're supposed to suspend disbelief, but I was under the impression that was restricted to artierial spray patterns, not common-fucking-sense.
Oh, and faking missing reels when you didn't feel like writing action or dialog or showing a lap dance? That's not funny. It's not cool. It's a FUCKING COP-OUT. I'm talking to both of you motherfuckers right now.
Look, there was NOTHING redeeming about Grindhouse that I couldn't have also gotten by watching porn (I'll trade hints of Rose McGowan's ass for full-on skank ho nudity any day), "Duel", and "Escape From New York", all whilst having someone repeat the words "Motherfucker" and "nigga" over and over again.
Oh, and I do take checks if you're wondering, especially from you two rich-ass motherfuckers.
5/23/2007 - Author's note: It has been brought to my attention that the scenes that were replaced by the "Missng Reel" crap were in the script and filmed, and will be included in later releases (presumably DVD). Excellent. I guess instead of lambasting you for being lazy and not writing those scenes, I should be thankful that you excluded them (even if one of them contained a lapdance given by that chick with the lips from CSI NY) because leaving them in would have just made your crapfest longer. So, thanks. I guess.