I've been working in a real corporate-type office for the first time in about 10 years, and it's been a bit of a culture shock to me to say the least. Last time I reported to an actual office, there were no cell phones, no personal Web-based e-mail, and no web-based games of Hangman to kill time with (we just had Windows Solitare, and we LIKED it).
Here is what I've learned over the past month:
Tip #1
Be friendly with the security guards and receptionists. They have a REALLY boring job, and will definitely remember you and appreciate it if you smile and "hi" every time you walk by them. This can come in handy if you lose your building badge or need a pen. It also makes you look really cool if you know everyone, and a little boost to the ego first thing in the morning doesn't hurt when you are forced to wear khakis and a collared shirt which makes you feel like a 5-year-old who's mom has dressed him up for church.
Tip #2
Commuting lives at the far end of the scale of conformity - traffic jams are the inevitable result of everyone going to the same place at the same time. If possible, pick up off-beat work hours, like 9:30 to 6:30.It sucks because you get home late, but it's cool because you don't have to get up early and won't waste an hour of your day waiting for the moron in front of you to move while he's waiting for the moron in front of him to move. If you're stuck going to the same place at the same time as everyone else, then take the long way around - you won't get there any sooner, but at least you'll be moving the whole time.
Tip #3
Take your lunch break outside, and by yourself. Spending the entire day in close proximity with people you didn't choose to associate with and breathing the same recycled air as them is like slowly suffocating yourself with an airplane pillow mid-flight. Only with fewer screaming babies. A half hour of solitude (or spent on the phone with a loved one) under a tree almost makes up for the rest of the day. ALMOST.
Tip #4
Try not to think about what percentage of your day or the week or your life you've signed over to The Man. No good can ever come from this line of thinking. Instead, think about what the money you are earning will buy for you and the hopes and dreams you are working towards. And enjoy every minute of your weekend - that's your time.
Tip #5
Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Park 6 blocks from your building instead of in the basement. Failure to comply will make your butt look like Darlene's in the next cube over.
Tip #6
Non-smokers have just as much right to take smoke breaks as smokers do.
Put your phone on vibrate. Nobody else wants to hear your Rupert Holmes ringtone. It's unprofessional, annoying, and makes you look like you have the maturity of a high school student. And leave your phone in your pocket or on a pad of paper rather than right on your desk so that when it does vibrate it doesn't sound like someone is drilling for oil in your cubicle.
Tip #7
Always take a pad of paper and a pen to every meeting. Chances are nobody's going to say anything meaningful enough for you to write down, but doing this makes you look interested. This means you can stare out the window and daydream about parasailing and then jot something down immediately afterwards, making it look like you were pensively pondering your co-worker's ideas instead of wishing you were floating above a white beach looking down on bikini-clad women tanning themselves and being served Pina Coladas by dark-skinned cabana boys named Paco.
Tip #8
The copier room is to the office as the ball tent is to McDonalds.
