Just when you think you've reached the bottom of the barrel, the end of the tunnel, the limits of your endurance, just when you think you've had about as much as you can take, thankyouverymuch, just then is when things from the past come find you and call in their IOU's. Actually, this time I went looking in my past myself. As in "on purpose". I've lost so much lately that I can either ask for that one last cigarette and lean back against the pock-marked brick wall with the blindfold on, or I can take control of my life and turn it upside down and shake it up and see what else falls out until I'm sure there's nothing left in my pockets. Start fresh, in other words.
Part of starting fresh (ask any AA member) is making amends. I'm pretty proud of my past decisions, for the most part. I've been honest with people, for the most part. When I've wronged people it was never as much as they had wronged me, for the most part. I've done what I thought was right all along, for the most part.
I've never understood the making amends thing properly, I've always assumed that it has to do with taking responsibility for your actions. But now I see that it is deeper than that - it's about finding out about those things you didn't know or ignored when you made life-altering decisions, about seeing yourself through other people's eyes, and most importantly, about forgiving yourself whether the ones you've hurt forgive you or not. I'm going to go back to try to forgive myself for the wrong I've done to people who didn't deserve what I gave them. And the only way to do that is to lay it all out there and give them a chance to forgive me, and accept what happens.
So this is what Catholics call "confessional". I always thought it'd be easier. And that they'd serve wine and cookies.
What I've learned today is that even when you think you have nothing left to lose, it is possible to lose things again that meant so much to you long ago. Things that you've already lost. You can lose them again. Or you can find them, look them square in the face, and try to be the man you weren't back then. Not to get them back, but to try to forgive yourself for decisions you regret.
With any luck they will still be as understanding as they always were and forgive you. But I would understand if they never will. The question then becomes: can I forgive myself?
