But it sort of festered in the back of my head since then, it got me to thinking about conviction, and I realized that (as usual) he has a point. You can believe in something all you want, but doing nothing about it is the same as not having any beliefs at all.
Believing something is true isn't the same as knowing that something is true, as belief requires no proof - only faith. Some things can never be proven. The morals I believe in, the ones I choose to live my life by, they are not right or wrong - they are only right or wrong for me. I will never know if I'm getting it, but as long as I believe that what I am doing is right and good, then that makes me a right and good person. Delusion is not a crime. Neither is misinformation.
Every year around my birthday I look back on my life. Then I generally get depressed. Not because my life has been bad - on the contrary, I have led a wonderful and full life. It's the regret that gets me. Wondering if I did everything right, thinking about the people I've left behind and what could have been shared if things had worked out. When I was younger I used to say (with conviction) that I had no regrets because every choice I had made in life shaped who I was. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist. Monday-morning quarterbacking is my specialty, and I am my own worst critic. What I so easily forgive in others I don't allow for myself. What I am learning in my old age is to relinquish any attachment I might have to an image of myself who does the right thing all the time. Instead, I have learned to formulate some good core beliefs, and always try to live my life according to those believes. But life is messy. Sometimes it's not clear how some decision fits. Times like that and you throw a hail mary pass and hope it works out. And at the end of the day when you look back, however, you have to forgive your mistakes as long as you believed that you were doing right by yourself as you made them. Doing something that you believe to be wrong is what constitutes a sin.
This thought process started with one of Brian's posts, and came full circle the other day when we were talking deep metaphysical shit over dinner. Well, mostly he was talking and I was listening, as usual. He rolled off a hyperbole which just seemed funny and silly to me at the time, but really sunk in later (as much of his wisdom tends to):
If you come from a place where it's OK to spit in other people's drinks, then you aren't committing a sin by doing that. You are only committing a sin if you believe that spitting in people's drinks is wrong.
[puts hand over drink]
Where are you from again?