Monday, July 7, 2008

Honesty, Honestly

Nobody's REALLY honest. Everyone says they are, but we're always holding back. If you said everything you wanted to anytime you felt like it, people would think you were crazy (this applies to some of you more than others, and you know who you are: Brian). And honesty never gets you anything except credit for being honest. Instead, you have to sidle up to what you really want to say like you're trying to catch a loose puppy. Go right for it and the puppy runs away. Pretend you don't care about it or have something shiny and tasty-looking in your hand and the puppy will come to you.

For example, I am lying here in my bed and it suddenly occurred to me that it would be pretty sweet if a hot naked girl was here to scratch my back. There are a few people I could call, but that conversation would go like this - if I was being honest:

Me: Hey. I haven't showered today and don't feel like getting out of bed. Feel like coming over and getting naked and cuddling with me?

Her: ...

Me: Hello?

Her: You haven't showered?

Me: Nah, I'm not getting out of bed today. Mental health day and all.

Her: ...

Me: Hello?

Her: At least you're being honest, but I have things to do. Later.

So, honesty is out the window. Instead I would have to wash my ass, get dressed, scrub the toilets, and then go out. Have a conversation, drink some coffee or eat some dinner, make someone feel pretty and special and wanted, have sex with them, and THEN get my back scratched. Not that I don't typically enjoy doing those things, I typically enjoy them very much. It's just that right now it's all about me. And I don't have the balls to dial a call-girl service and ask for a cute little blonde girl in pigtails and a pleated plaid skirt to come to my house to scratch my back.

Let me clarify before I get accused of having or being a vagina: this isn't a wimpy metrosexual '00's man need for cuddling. I don't want to talk about feelings or hear about your day. It's more of a Dionysus louging on a couch in a toga getting fed grapes by plump naked Greek women type of thing. I need my back scratched. And having some nice plump boobies pushed up against it while it's getting scratched would make my day.

Just sayin'.