Got me to thinking - wouldn't it be great if there was the equivalent to unemployment for other things? Any good entymologist knows that the 4 things that sustain life are sun, food, water, and love. Sun is free (and abundant, at least in the Sunshine State), and unemployment insurance takes care of the food and water. But love? Ah, love. What if there was a Connecticut Department of Love? I wonder how that phone call would go...
CDL: Connecticut Department of Love, how can I help you?
Me: Uh, yeah. I was dumped a little while back, and I need to file for unempowerment benefits.
CDL: Sure, I can help you with that. How long have you been single?
Me: Since March.
CDL: Uh-huh. And were you given any separation payments?
Me: Yeah, sort of.
CDL: For how long?
Me: 4 months.
CDL: 4 months?
Me: Yeah. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it at the time, it was kinda weird. It was like if your job told you that you didn't work there anymore, but they still wanted you to show up and do your job. Just not wear your uniform or get paid. And if you get hurt on the job they aren't responsible. Because you don't actually work there. It was all very confusing, to be honest with you. I think I'm better off now. Well, that's what everyone tells me, but it certainly doesn't feel that way. Hence my call to you.
CDL: OK, we'll put down "4 months / Partial". And what reason were you given for the termination?
Me: [sighs] See, that's the thing. She said a lot of stuff, most of which was contradictory with itself as far as I could tell, but it's entirely possible that I'm stupid. I guess it was because I'm an asshole? I don't know. I'm basing that on the last time she talked to me, when she called me a few things [Editor's Note: "Asshole" was not actually one of them, nor was anything like it] that nobody's ever accused me of being before. [Editor's Note: like "Illogical". Me? For realzies?] Then she told me that I broke my own heart - that she had nothing to do with it. I'm not sure what that means, or if that's even possible, but-
CDL: We'll just put down "Not enough love".
Me: Uh, that doesn't sound right. If anything, there was too much lov-
CDL: Sir, there's only one reason for termination that qualifies you for benefits, and that is "Not enough love", so I'm going to go ahead and notate it for the record.
Me: [sighs] OK.
CDL: Alright, everything's all set on my end. You qualify for benefits.
Me: Fantastic. So, now what can I expect from this?
CDL: As part of your unempowerment benefits, the Connecticut Department of Labor will assign you with a temporary girlfriend, who will call you daily and spend no more than 15 minutes on the phone with you.
Me: 15 minutes? My ex and I used to talk on the phone for 4 hours every night!
CDL: Sir, may I remind you that unempowerment benefits are not designed to replace a girlfriend, only to hold you over until you are able to find a new one.
Me: What about text messaging?
CDL: Text messaging is not provided.
Me: Fantastic. This is nothing like having a girlfriend. Do I get to see her? Will she make out with me? Will she come over and scratch my back even if I haven't gotten out of bed that day? What does she look like? What if I don't like her?
CDL: Sir, the Department of Love is not a call girl service. Again, may I remind you that this is not designed to replace the girlfriend that you lost, it is merely supposed to get you through the interim.
Me: Great.
CDL: To keep your benefits going, every Sunday you will be required to call the same number you dialed to reach me, choose option "1", and answer a 7 question survey about whether or not you have been actively looking for a new girlfriend.
Me: Looking for a new girlfriend? But I'm in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I can't just turn that off, I couldn't possibly be emotionally availab-
CDL: Sir, the Department of Love doesn't require that you be emotionally available, only that you actively seek a new girlfriend.
Me: Right. Lovely.
CDL: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Yeah, you sound cute, are you single?
CDL: I'm married sir.
Me: You and everyone else in the state.
CDL: Have a nice day sir.
Me: Yeah, right.